Item Number: CRP-0505

Danger Level: Eh.

Restraining Directives: CRP-0505 is to be stored in a small canister with plastic lid. While there is no immediate danger if this procedure is not followed, it must be done in order to keep CRP-0505 fresh and malleable. Please stop leaving CRP-0505 out or it will get crusty.

Description: CRP-0505 is a collection of various different colors of molding clay produced by [DATA EXPUNGED] for use of children ages 3 and up.

Colors of clay included in CRP-0505 are:

• Orange
• Green
• Blue
• Purple

CRP-0505 was retrieved from [REDACTED] Daycare in [REDACTED], USA. When questioned, the owner of the daycare facility claimed to have purchased a wholesale shipment of [DATA EXPUNGED] brand clay in an online auction. Over time, various canisters of the clay were handed out to children. It is unclear exactly how and when CRP-0505 was collected together from these random containers.

Subjects who attempt to mold an object out of CRP-0505 will construct a left human hand in life-like, meticulous detail. Said hand will be molded identically to previous sculpts regardless of the subject's artistic talent. Testing with vision-impaired subjects, as well as subjects with hindered motor functions, have given the same exact result. It took a lot longer, though.

Regardless of what the subject is asked to mold, they will invariably create the same shape. When asked why they ignored directions, subjects universally appear at a loss for an explanation. On rare occasion, subjects will openly lie and say they misheard and thought they were told to sculpt a hand.

Once molded, CRP-0505 can easily be squished, balled up, and returned to its original state with no anomalous effects.

A casual Google search of the [DATA EXPUNGED] company with the word "hand" was performed. Results indicate that ███████ J. [REDACTED], a factory worker for the company, suffered a workplace accident. This accident resulted in the loss of his left hand.

Further Information:

Test Log CRP-0505-00:

███████ J. [REDACTED] was sought out and brought to the institute for testing under the guise of a worker's union inquiry. At no time was ███████ J. [REDACTED] informed about CRP-0505, and at no time did he witness CRP-0505. He never figured it out and didn't ask any questions. Cool it with the amnestics, people.

Researcher M.K. Boller conducted the interview. Casual small-talk and unrelated questions meant to mislead the interviewee as to the true nature of the questioning have been expunged from this log.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: So the Bishop goes: "I thought it was a zucchini!"

M.K. Boller:  [laughs] Alright. Okay. Shit. Back on track.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Yeah, sorry.

M.K. Boller: No problem. We just have some formalities to clear up, then I can let you get out of here.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Shoot.

M.K. Boller: Can you state your name, place of birth, and date of birth for the record?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: ███████ Jeremiah [REDACTED], New York City [REDACTED], April twelfth, nineteen-eighty [REDACTED].

M.K. Boller: Alrighty. Now, tough subject, take your time if you need to. What exactly lead to your injury? The hand, of course.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Ah, shit. Well, you know how it goes. I was new on the job, and the veteran workers had this thing where they'd tell new recruits to clear out the cutter by hand. Nine times out of ten, I guess the new guy is too smart to fall for it. I was the one dumbfuck out of ten, and on that particular day a completely different dumbfuck forgot to turn the machine off before the joke.

M.K. Boller: Yikes.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: I was in shock when it happened. Everything was real fast and stuff. [interviewee verbalizes the sound of metal closing on metal]! I think they were more horrified than I was at that moment.

M.K. Boller: Did they retrieve the hand?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Nope. I would've made a bigger fuss but my lawyer got them to settle out of court almost immediately. Gonna sound like a brag, buy yeah... I'm set for life. I only work now because I'd get bored otherwise.

[At this point, M.K. Boller opens a small box concealed beneath the interview table. The box contains CRP-0505, molded into its usual hand shape. At no time does the interviewee seem to notice. He cannot see the box, nor its contents. Stop giving people amnestics without checking.]

M.K. Boller: Just a couple more questions, here...

[MK. Boller jabs a pin into CRP-0505.]

M.K. Boller: How are you feeling?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Oh, fine.

M.K. Boller: Hmm.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: You sound disappointed that I'm okay. [laughs]

[M.K. Boller applies the pin to each color of clay comprising CRP-0505.]

M.K. Boller: Let me know if that changes. If you have any discomfort whatsoever. Even if it's as small as, I don't know, a pin prick or something.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Nope, I'm good.

[M.K. Boller pulls a finger off of CRP-0505.]

M.K. Boller: Still?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: ... Yes.

M.K. Boller: Just checking. Man, that Bishop joke. That was a good one.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Yeah.

[M.K. Boller balls up CRP-0505 into unrecognizable mush.]

M.K. Boller: Well, unless you're feeling some kind of phantom pains or whatever, I guess we can conclude, now.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Uhm. Okay.

M.K. Boller: Sounds good.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Right.

M.K. Boller: Nice meeting you.

[Both men stand and shake hands. Interviewee discreetly smells his hand and recoils, presumably from the odor of clay, before exiting interview room.]

Item Number: CRP-0035

Danger Level: Magnum

Restraining Directives: CRP-0035 is to be stored in a climate-controlled room kept between 60° to 65° Fahrenheit at all times. CRP-0035 is to be stored "face-up" on a clean, even surface.

Description: CRP-0035 is an anomalous wine stain left on an otherwise unremarkable bar napkin. Tests have conclusively revealed that said wine is a full-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon. Brand of wine is believed to be ████ ████████, though this has not been determined with certainty. Wine stain appears to resemble the face of a woman in her mid-20s to mid-30s. CRP-0035's face moves freely across the paper's surface and changes expressions often. CRP-0035 also appears to look toward and focus on nearby people and objects.

When placed near an empty glass vessel, CRP-0035 appears capable of communicating via vibration of said glass. The frequency of sound is easily received by the human ear. CRP-0035's "voice", as it were, is described as pleasant-sounding, yet sorrowful. CRP-0035 often complains about inter-personal relationships and the thoughtless behavior of humans in general.

CRP-0035 occasionally refuses to interact for no known reason while briefly insisting "Nothing's wrong" and/or "I'm not upset". When pressed to speak further, CRP-0035 may scream, shattering any nearby glass objects used for attempted communication.

[NOTE: At this time, researchers who wear eyeglasses are discouraged from interacting with CRP-0035 on her moodier days.]

CRP-0035 was discovered at ███ █████ ██████, a high-class bar that was using it to entertain customers. Loose testimony from patrons and bar staff point to CRP-0035 first appearing after a particularly busy "Ladies' Night" event. All subjects exposed to CRP-0035 outside of the institute have been slipped a class 3 mickey.

Further Information:

Research log CRP-0035.01.1.111.0.0:

[CRP researcher Dr. Z.B. Widdershins places an empty wine glass near CRP-0035, who regards it with a sideways glance.]

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: Hello. Are you willing to communicate with us today?

[CRP-0035 rolls its eyes.]

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: My name is Dr. Widdershins.

CRP-0035: Ooh. A Doctor. How impressive.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: I like to think so. What is your name?

CRP-0035: Oh, I don't know. June? April? August? A thirty-day experience you'll forget with the turn of a calendar page. Seems fitting.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: Let me rephrase that, what would you like to be called?

CRP-0035: Called?

[CRP-0035 snickers coldly.]

CRP-0035: I suppose I'd be happy to even get a call in the first place.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: We'll come back to this, I guess. Uhm... Do you know where you came from? How were you created?

CRP-0035: Same as anyone. A little dinner, a little drink, a little friendly violence. Nine months of wondering whose paperwork is getting inked by hubby at his nine to five... Reminding yourself that's all she is. Office stationary. Mindlessly doodled with a permanent pen. Folded, creased, crumpled up into a ball and thrown away. Recycled if she's lucky.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: I didn't understand any of that.

CRP-0035: Color me surprised, dear.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: You seem quite... (long pause) Who hurt you?

CRP-0035: Who hasn't?

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: Alright, this is... I see Dr. Lei gesturing... yes, I see you. You can see me, too, and you see I'm ignoring you. CRP-0035 if you need to talk, I'm here. This isn't really part of the procedure, but I'm right here if you need me.

CRP-0035: Oh. (Long pause.) How do I say this? Red wine doesn't go with fish, sweetheart.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: What do you-? Er... I'm not a lesbian, I'm just trying to be of assistance.

CRP-0035: That's what everyone says, but trying is never quite doing, is it?

[Dr. E.K. Lei enters the room, terminating the conversation.]

Researchers are heretofore prohibited from speaking with CRP-0035 until it can be determined if the object influences human emotions or if Dr. Z.B. Widdershins is simply an emotionally weak person.

My basement stairs lead into a dark, damp room below ground.

I saw a lost Spongebob episode. Plankton said "Shrimpstein didn't grill himself"...

In any city, in any state, in any country, anywhere in the world, walk into any abandoned Blockbuster Video or Toys 'R Us store. Once inside, look for a homeless drifter who appears to have taken residence in the dilapidated building. You may have to search behind empty shelves, or even in the break room.

Approach the drifter and, in a shrill, nasally scream, ask, "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!"

The drifter's eyes will widen, his lips will smack, and his nostrils will dilate. If you have come at the correct point in time, a small insect will drop from his facial hair. The facial hair can be a full beard, a mustache, a goatee, or even muttonchops.

The drifter will lead you to the stock room, and he will unlock the doors by humming the Punky Brewster theme music.

Once you are beyond the stock room doors, run full-tilt, as fast as you can, and do not look back. This room does not expand into a long hallway or anything like that, so you will run straight into a cement wall rather quickly. Don't rub your head and don't exclaim "Ouchie-ma-ma!" no matter how much you may need to. Stay completely silent until you hear the sound of synth music gradually rising around you.

Open your eyes (fuck I should've told you to close your eyes earlier) and you will see the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics standing before you. He will be wearing a Members Only jacket, stone washed blue jeans, and a pair of Air Jordans. His t-shirt will bear the phrase "FRANKIE SAY RELAX", but you must not read it or dire consequences will befall you at some point in your future.

You must now offer him a can of Tab and say "Raphiel is cool, but rude." Upon hearing this phrase, the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics will remove his Aviator sunglasses, pull aside the headphones of his walkman, and look directly into your idiot face.

If he says "Bogus", you must immediately turn and run out of the room without ever looking over your shoulder again for the rest of your days. If you ever, at any point, accidentally look over your shoulder, you will instantly shit your pants and Stacy will point and laugh at you.

If he says "Radical"  and plays a tasty riff on a sick keytar, you will have succeeded in your quest. Everything around you will turn to static, with the vertical hold waaayyy out of whack. You will blink twice, then find yourself in an open neon green field. The sky will be purple, and the sun will have horizontal lines through it.

At your feet, you will find a Rubik's Cube that cannot be solved. Don't even try. I'm not saying that because something bad will happen if you try, I'm just trying to save you the time.

This Rubik's Cube is item 1980 of 8000.

Item Number: CRP-0002

Danger Level: Zero Purple

Restraining Directives: CRP-0002 is to be kept in a 8' x 8' aquatic tank. Water must be kept calm, and is to be gently skimmed for debris when necessary. A simple mesh lid is to be affixed to the top of the tank when not being cleaned.

Description: CRP-0002 is a vaguely humanoid-shaped conglomeration of what appears to be various types of standard toilet tissue. Entity appears to prefer an under-water habitat, in which it floats on what could be referred to as its "stomach". Observed behavior is similar to that of a manatee. CRP-0002 floats motionlessly with an orifice visually and mechanically similar to a "mouth" hanging open. When CRP-0002 encounters soft, decayed and/or digested matter, it draws said matter into its orifice using two tendril-like "arms" consisting of loosely braided paper.

CRP-0002 was discovered in ███████, ████████, where it was found clogging a sewer drain. City workers reported the discovery by posting a video recording CRP-0002 to the internet. All copies of this video are presumed to be located and deleted via take-down request and/or hard drive destruction. The institute would suggest these workers be reprimanded, but their current line of employment is considered punishment enough.

If left unfed for a period of seven days or more, CRP-0002 will slowly and ineffectually attempt to escape its tank. CRP-0002 itself does not appear to expel waste, but will occasionally "belch" foul-scented bubble rings. Whether these rings in any way denote an attempt at communication is currently under investigation.

Further Information: All CRP staff are instructed against referring to CRP-0002 as "Number Two". While it may be fitting short-hand, procedures must be adhered to nonetheless.

I know the real reason Garfield hates Mondays...

and it chills me to the bone...