CRP-0015, Artificial Uncle
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Posted by Slimebeast on: February 23, 2020, 11:14:34 PM

CRP-0015-1, after being told a clever pun

Item Number: CRP-0015

Danger Level: LTD

Restraining Directives: CRP-0015 is to be kept in a furnished basement with mini-bar, sofa, and wall-to-wall shag carpeting. It is not necessary for mini-bar to be stocked with any beverages, but glasses must be visually present. CRP-0015 must remain plugged, with a keyboard, mouse, and monitor attached for communication. A webcam must also be connected at all times.

Description: CRP-0015 is a 1994 Hewlett Packard PC running the Windows 95 operating system. Contained on this computer tower is a home-made "Artificial Intelligence" program created by an unknown coder. Said file appears to have been last edited on November 15th, 1998. Named "randomguy_testrun.exe", the program opens to reveal what appears to be an uncanny 3D model of a balding, middle-aged Caucasian man on a black background. This figure often wears glasses, though will occasionally appear without them.

Despite the best efforts of CRP researchers, no other data associated with the fully compiled program file could be retrieved from the hard drive.

The artificial intelligence program stored on CRP-0015, referred to as CRP-0015-1, displays complexities considered unnatural for the era in which it was created. It is capable of responding to text prompts in real time with a zero second delay. Conversations with CRP-0015-1 appear to flow naturally, with little to no computer error in terms of reading and processing input. Typing in nonsensical words or phases, or even complete gibberish, illicit a smirk and a head-shake from the figure onscreen.

Researchers have noted that CRP-0015-1 appears to behave in a manner similar to an "uncle". While it will speak in a familial, almost parental tone, the AI never actually claims to be the user's father. In fact, CRP-0015-1 will often refer to the user's parents as separate entities from itself. For example, "Hey lil' buddy, do your mom and dad know you're here with me?"

CRP-0015-1 appears to enjoy what are colloquially known as "Dad Jokes", and is fond of offering researchers things that it assumes are forbidden by their parents.

Further Information:

What follows is test log CRP-0015-1-1.1.1. Dr. B.R. Bramply's keystrokes and CRP-0015-1's text responses have been logged below.

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Hello, CRP-0015-1.

CRP-0015-1: Ha ha, what kind of language is that? Are you pretending to be an alien today? Zorple dorple, call me Al.

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Who is your creator?

CRP-0015-1: I've never been really religious, per say. I think you should figure that one out for yourself!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: You are a computer program. Do you know who programmed you?

CRP-0015-1: Ohh, you're pretending to be a ROBOT. I got it! Beep boop to you, too, lil' buddy!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Fine. Al. What is your first memory?

CRP-0015-1: Today? Well, I woke up, got on my leggies, had hammy and eggies. How about you? Are you hungry?

Dr. B.R. Bramply: I mean your first memory ever.

CRP-0015-1: See that jar of candy over there? Take whatever you want. Don't tell your parents I spoiled your dinner! Ha ha!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: What is your first memory ever?

CRP-0015-1: No candy?! Fine, I'll have some!

[CRP-0015-1 makes strange motions with its face, likely a poor simulation of chewing.]

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Where did you come from?

CRP-0015-1: I knew this would come up eventually. Ha ha! Well, you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, [DATA EXPUNGED].

Dr. B.R. Bramply: I know that. I'm a scientist. I have a PHD.

CRP-0015-1: You know what I bet you don't have? See this box of magazines?

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Do not attept [sic] to show me pornography.

CRP-0015-1: Hey, if you're old enough to ask questions, you're old enough for answers! Here, take my December 1992 issue of Giant  ███ █████.

[CRP-0015-1 makes a looping gesture motion, as if repeatedly handing over a nonexistent item.]

CRP-0015-1: Ha ha, look at the cover. Who's that kissing Santa?!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: You are a computer program. Do you know how you came to exist?

CRP-0015-1: You seem really hung up on that one. Anyway, have you ever tried a beer?

[Dr. B.R. Bramply ends testing, citing inconclusive and irrelevant responses.]

« Last Edit: March 07, 2020, 08:50:12 AM by Slimebeast »