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I saw a lost Spongebob episode. Plankton said "Shrimpstein didn't grill himself"...

I Think My Girlfriend Is Cheating On Me With My Split Personality!!

The Haver Series / The Haver of 1980s Aesthetics
« on: January 11, 2020, 05:53:15 AM »
In any city, in any state, in any country, anywhere in the world, walk into any abandoned Blockbuster Video or Toys 'R Us store. Once inside, look for a homeless drifter who appears to have taken residence in the dilapidated building. You may have to search behind empty shelves, or even in the break room.

Approach the drifter and, in a shrill, nasally scream, ask, "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!"

The drifter's eyes will widen, his lips will smack, and his nostrils will dilate. If you have come at the correct point in time, a small insect will drop from his facial hair. The facial hair can be a full beard, a mustache, a goatee, or even muttonchops.

The drifter will lead you to the stock room, and he will unlock the doors by humming the Punky Brewster theme music.

Once you are beyond the stock room doors, run full-tilt, as fast as you can, and do not look back. This room does not expand into a long hallway or anything like that, so you will run straight into a cement wall rather quickly. Don't rub your head and don't exclaim "Ouchie-ma-ma!" no matter how much you may need to. Stay completely silent until you hear the sound of synth music gradually rising around you.

Open your eyes (fuck I should've told you to close your eyes earlier) and you will see the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics standing before you. He will be wearing a Members Only jacket, stone washed blue jeans, and a pair of Air Jordans. His t-shirt will bear the phrase "FRANKIE SAY RELAX", but you must not read it or dire consequences will befall you at some point in your future.

You must now offer him a can of Tab and say "Raphiel is cool, but rude." Upon hearing this phrase, the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics will remove his Aviator sunglasses, pull aside the headphones of his walkman, and look directly into your idiot face.

If he says "Bogus", you must immediately turn and run out of the room without ever looking over your shoulder again for the rest of your days. If you ever, at any point, accidentally look over your shoulder, you will instantly shit your pants and Stacy will point and laugh at you.

If he says "Radical"  and plays a tasty riff on a sick keytar, you will have succeeded in your quest. Everything around you will turn to static, with the vertical hold waaayyy out of whack. You will blink twice, then find yourself in an open neon green field. The sky will be purple, and the sun will have horizontal lines through it.

At your feet, you will find a Rubik's Cube that cannot be solved. Don't even try. I'm not saying that because something bad will happen if you try, I'm just trying to save you the time.

This Rubik's Cube is item 1980 of 8000.

The CRP Institute / CRP-0600, Shadowcide Mountain
« on: December 28, 2019, 05:52:05 AM »

CRP-0600 (background) and detached shadow (Foreground)

Item Number: CRP-0600

Danger Level: Helio

Restraining Directives: CRP-0600 is to be patrolled by Blue Flamingo operatives during daylight hours. All operatives are to be disguised as incredibly obnoxious middle-aged tourists. Any unapproved visitors to CRP-0600, or a surrounding radius of five miles, are to be directed away from the area immediately. If said visitors lose or do not possess shadows, a class five blow to the head is to be administered.

Description: CRP-0600 is Mt. ██████, also colloquially known as "Shadowcide Mountain" among the closely surrounding populace. Located in [REDACTED], USA, CRP-0600 has been observed to exhibit anomalous properties regarding shadows cast by living beings in its proximity. This effect is not restricted to human subjects, though animal subjects are only theorized to experience identical psychological results. Perhaps surprisingly, CRP-0600 appears to contain no anomalous caves, ores, or burial grounds.

Any living being that comes within a radius of 5 miles of CRP-0600 loses connection to its shadow. Said shadow will then proceed to "walk" toward CRP-0600, seemingly of its own volition. Upon reaching the foot of the mountain, shadows begin "climbing". Rock climbing skills exhibited by shadows appear to mimic those of the being that cast them. Expert climbers have shadows who display climbing expertise. Inexperienced climbers have shadows that appear clumsier. Inexperienced shadows may "fall" repeatedly, but show no signs of injury.

When a shadow reaches the peak of CRP-0600, it will immediately "jump". In stark contrast to the ascent, shadows that jump off of the peak appear as if they have been cast by a subject who has leapt high and far, causing the shadow to "glide" down the rocky surface in a quick and graceful manner with arms outstretched. Shadows that fall to the bottom of CRP-0600 lie motionless and will pile up if enough subjects wander too close. "Deceased" shadows disappear at sundown and do not return the following morning.

Subjects who experience this phenomena do not cast shadows for a period of 24 hours, after which their shadow gradually begins to fade back into existence. These subjects also report that they no longer dream of anything but falling.

Update: Shadows cannot be dissuaded from approaching the mountain. This information was not included at the time of writing because it seemed to go without saying that shadows are immaterial.

Further Information:

The following is a brief list of dreams reported by subjects found to have encountered CRP-0600, after suffering detachment from their shadows. More thorough information is pending review.

  • "My airplane had just broken apart in mid-air. I just remember looking down at the sea and falling forever."
  • "It was the first day of school, but the school was on its side and I was falling down the hallways endlessly."
  • "I was on top of the Eiffel Tower and some asshole said something in French and pushed me."
  • "I was just kind of falling in darkness. It was more boring than scary."
  • "My father was telling me that he was always proud of me but didn't know how to say it. We were falling the entire time."

The CRP Institute / CRP-0002, Toilet Paper Person
« on: November 12, 2019, 07:56:58 PM »

CRP-0002 floating stinkily peacefully.

Item Number: CRP-0002

Danger Level: Zero Purple

Restraining Directives: CRP-0002 is to be kept in a 8' x 8' aquatic tank. Water must be kept calm, and is to be gently skimmed for debris when necessary. A simple mesh lid is to be affixed to the top of the tank when not being cleaned.

Description: CRP-0002 is a vaguely humanoid-shaped conglomeration of what appears to be various types of standard toilet tissue. Entity appears to prefer an under-water habitat, in which it floats on what could be referred to as its "stomach". Observed behavior is similar to that of a manatee. CRP-0002 floats motionlessly with an orifice visually and mechanically similar to a "mouth" hanging open. When CRP-0002 encounters soft, decayed and/or digested matter, it draws said matter into its orifice using two tendril-like "arms" consisting of loosely braided paper.

CRP-0002 was discovered in ███████, ████████, where it was found clogging a sewer drain. City workers reported the discovery by posting a video recording CRP-0002 to the internet. All copies of this video are presumed to be located and deleted via take-down request and/or hard drive destruction. The institute would suggest these workers be reprimanded, but their current line of employment is considered punishment enough.

If left unfed for a period of seven days or more, CRP-0002 will slowly and ineffectually attempt to escape its tank. CRP-0002 itself does not appear to expel waste, but will occasionally "belch" foul-scented bubble rings. Whether these rings in any way denote an attempt at communication is currently under investigation.

Further Information: All CRP staff are instructed against referring to CRP-0002 as "Number Two". While it may be fitting short-hand, procedures must be adhered to nonetheless.

m/NoStory / I Think The NoStory Mods Are Hiding Something! [REMOVED]
« on: August 25, 2019, 07:47:10 PM »
I think the NoStory mods are hiding something -


I know the real reason Garfield hates Mondays...

and it chills me to the bone...

The CRP Institute / CRP-1234, A Man Apart
« on: June 25, 2019, 09:28:14 PM »

SCP-1234-3 in some sort of formation.

Item Number: CRP-1234

Danger Level: Ebony Hexagon

Restraining Directives: CRP-1234 requires separate containment procedures for each specific instance. CRP-1234-1 is to be contained in a standard live animal cage. CRP-1234-2 is to be held in a standard bucket with snap-on lid. CRP-1234-3 is to be disassembled and contained in two hundred and six individual steel storage boxes. CRP-1234-4 is to be contained within a plastic trash bag which has been securely tied at the opening.

Description: CRP-1234 is a 37 year old human being legally known as Carl Joseph Parsons. CRP-1234 was discovered in the sub-basement of ██████ Hospital on ██/██/97 after several complaints of a "haunting" from hospital staff. CRP strike team Purple Paramecium was dispatched to the location and secured CRP-1234 after a brief confrontation. Seventeen members of Purple Paramecium were killed, mostly by friendly fire.

CRP-1234 appears to have undergone a currently inexplicable metamorphosis and has divided into four separate entities. These anomalous beings seem to operate as fully separate individuals and do not appear to share a collective consciousness.

CRP-1234-1 is a shapeless conglomeration of human flesh, muscle tissue, and organs. It moves by shifting its weight and rolling along surfaces. CRP-1234-1 will ingest any organic materials in its path and excretes large amounts of waste. Subject babbles incoherently when its mouth isn't covered by folds of flesh, and its eyes similarly rotate randomly in an unfocused state.

CRP-1234-2 is a puddle of free-flowing human blood, similar to or matching the amount of blood found in an adult male. CRP-1234-2 appears to be able to move in any direction, including up slopes. CRP-1234-2 flows under doors and through cracks, making it very hard to contain. When CRP-1234-2 comes in contact with a living being, it will enter through available openings, bursting the circulatory system.

CRP-1234-3 is a complete human skeleton. Subject organizes itself into a variety of combinations dependent upon its needs. Configurations of CRP-1234-3 include, but are not limited to "Bone Spider", "Bone Snake", and "Bone Person" standard human skeletal structure. CRP-1234-3 "frees" the bones from any creature with an endoskeleton that it comes into contact with, living or dead. These bones are then added to CRP-1234-3's current structure, but are discarded when it reconfigures itself.

CRP-1234-4 is a gaseous cloud that may or may not represent a human soul. Subject is barely visible to the human eye and moves weightlessly through the air. While CRP-1234-4 does not appear negatively affect others, researchers describe feelings of cold and sadness when in its presence.

It is currently not known if CRP-1234 can be reassembled into a normal man. Researchers are instructed not to attempt this until the institute has attained sufficient data from the separate entities.

The CRP Institute / CRP-0020, Everyone's Best Friend
« on: June 22, 2019, 12:56:42 AM »

CRP-0020-1, sans chapeau.

Item Number: CRP-0020

Danger Level: Delta Plaid

Restraining Directives: CRP-0020-1 and CRP-0020-2 may be stored together in a standard CRP storage crate. However, these two objects should not be combined in any fashion unless for the purpose of approved testing. CRP-0020-1 may be used as a normal hat rack if one should be required by CRP personnel, and CRP-0020-2 may be worn as a normal hat if needed. However, these objects may not leave CRP property and must be returned to proper storage after each use.

Description: CRP-0020 consists of a classic, standing wooden hat rack with silver hooks, as well as a feathered homburg-style hat with a pheasant feather in the hat band. This rack has been classified as CRP-0020-1, and the hat is regarded as CRP-0020-2. These objects have no known anomalous properties when separate. When CRP-0020-2 is hung on any of CRP-0020-1's hooks, their anomalous properties may be observed.

Human subjects who come in contact with the combined items will see them as a whole person. This person, known as CRP-0020-3, will appear to be their "best friend". The name of CRP-0020-3 changes depending on the person viewing CRP-0020. When questioned later, subjects claim not to have any such friend by this name.

During testing, subjects viewing CRP-0020 will act as if they are in a deep conversation with CRP-0020. The topic will always center on a common interest, such as a specific sports team or a hobby such as scrap-booking. At a random point in this conversation, an argument breaks out between the subject and CRP-0020, at which point the subject will shove and CRP-0020 and knock it over. If CRP-0020-2 remains on the hook, the subject will apologize and help CRP-0020-1 back onto its feet. If CRP-0020-2 is separated from CRP-0020-1 in the scuffle, the subject will believe they have committed murder and will attempt to flee the area in a manic state. This may include risk of grievous injury to the subject and/or those between them and freedom.

CRP-0020-1 shows no anomalous properties when combined with other hats.

CRP-0020-2 shows no anomalous properties when placed on other hat racks.

Further Information: The following is a log of a discussion between Dr. P.D. Melmoud and CRP-0020-3.

DR. MELMOUD: Holy shit! Gerry?! Oh my God, what's it been? Ten years? Fifteen?

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: [turning to Dr. M.K. Banquet's viewing lens] Dr. B, look! This is Gerry, my best friend!

DR. BANQUET: [via intercom] I thought I was your best friend.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Oh, yeah, still working on my model ships. I'm about half-way through a baque.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Three masts, actually.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Not to be a dick, old buddy, but it has three.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Are you kidding? You're not serious.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]


CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Take that back! You take it back, or so help me!

[after a brief moment, Dr. P.D. Melmoud rushes CRP-0020-3 and tackles it to the floor]


[Dr. P.D. Melmoud stands, visibly noting that CRP-0020-1 and CRP-0020-2 are still together, though they are now lying horizontal]

DR. MELMOUD: I... wow. I'm sorry, Gerry. I don't know what came over me. It's just that... well, model ships are my one release from all the pressures of the Institute, and... I don't know. Just don't make fun of it anymore, alright? Again, I'm really sorry.

[Dr. P.D. Melmoud places CRP-0020 upright]

Dr. P.D. Melmoud seemed confused following testing, and explained that he's never known anyone named Gerry. When questioned about the conversation, he claimed to have been looking at CRP-0020 calmly while waiting for something anomalous to happen, until it suddenly fell over.

The CRP Institute / CRP-0901, Smarter-Than-Average Bears
« on: June 08, 2019, 07:17:39 PM »

An instance of CRP-0901-5 being affable.

Item Number: CRP-0901

Danger Level: Cornucopia

Restraining Directives: CRP-0901 is to be patrolled by CRP Institute Agents disguised as park rangers, park attendants, park gift shop cashiers, park maintenance, park staff. Outsiders are allowed to hike and camp within the park, but must be given a Class A blow to the head if they witness or interact with any abnormal wildlife.

Description: CRP-0901 is ██████████ state park, located in [REDACTED]. Park is mostly non-anomalous, but is home to various subspecies of brown, black, an grizzly bear. These bears are found only within ██████████ state park, and exhibit anthropomorphic behaviors usually exclusive to human beings. Bears of each group must be kept away from each other when possible, as in-fighting is likely to occur. These attacks only subside when one group is dead, or all animals involved have been heavily sedated and separated from each other. (Note: Instances of CRP-0901-5 will not engage in these altercations, and do not even appear to fight back.) Bears exhibiting different behaviors from other groups are to be labelled as instances of CRP-0901-#. There are currently four five known subgroups.

Further Information:  The following subgroups have been observed by CRP personnel.

CRP-0901-1 - Butt Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-1 show an unnatural interest in their own anuses and fecal matter. These instances will attempt to procure toilet paper from park restrooms, and will use said bathroom tissue to sanitize their backsides. If nothing else is available, they will attempt to use paper, plastic, and/or fabric.

CRP-0901-2 - Menswear Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-2 appear to enjoy wearing articles of clothing. These instances appear to wear a maximum of two pieces of clothing at a time, and have been observed removing one item in order to wear another, regardless of where it is worn on the body.

CRP-0901-3 - Daddy Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-3 have been observed taking in lost or unattended children and attempting to teach them the ways of the forest. These bears must be tranquilized immediately if they are observed with an "adopted" child, as these children will revert to a feral state in a greatly accelerated manner.

CRP-0901-4 - Verbal Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-4 speak English phrases in nearly perfect human voices. There appears to be no actual conversational meaning behind these utterances. These bears behave like parrots who have been trained to speak, though they have not been observed taking actual cues from human beings. Instances of CRP-0901-4 speak with a thick Brooklyn accent.

CRP-0901-5 - Huggy Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-5 attempt to hug any human beings they observe. Additionally, instances appear to display a distaste for violence and intimidating behavior. They will attempt to group hug humans that may appear to be experiencing extreme negative emotions. If instances of CRP-0901-5 are not dispersed, this act can be fatal.

I had a terrifying nightmare... that's actually just stupid when I look back on it.

Yikes! Customer Reviews / Expandingland
« on: May 21, 2019, 04:35:34 AM »
Business Name: Expandingland Semi-Finite Funpark

Owner/Proprietor: Xilas P. Mourningdove

Description: Welcome to Expandingland, the semi-finite funpark! Expandingland sprawls beyond your wildest dreams and grows to surpass your imagination! Water slides, wild rides, holiday towns, and hidden clowns are just a short car trip away! Located up the highway, past the rest stop, and just around the corner, Expandingland always has room for new families!

New this season! Find our huge hall of mirrors! Four football fields of confuse-o-tainment!

Just A Tip: Listen To Those "Do Not Apply To Anus" Warnings.

Dead people don't talk to me, they just lie there. It's boring.

List Bait / Top 10 Horror Movies Reimagined As NoSleep Titles
« on: May 18, 2019, 02:23:01 AM »
If there's one thing we find delicious, it's low-hanging fruit... and when it comes to short internet-based horror fiction, few hang lower than NoSleep titles. In the interest of earning some cheap laughs with the least possible amount of effort... here are the top 10 horror movies reimagined as NoSleep titles!

10.) I'm The Sheriff Of A Small Town, And I Suspect These Shark-Related Deaths Are Connected - (Jaws)

09.) I Don't Know Enough About Horror Movies. Please Help Me! - (Scream)

08.) We Burned A Pedophile Several Years Ago. He's Back. In Our Dreams. - (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

07.) We Burned A Pedophile Several Years Ago. He's Back. In Our Dreams. (Part 2) - (A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2)

06.) I Use To Love Celebrating Halloween. Now I Hate It Because Of All The Murders. - (Halloween)

05.) One Of The Girls At Summer Camp Is Killing Us All. (And She Has A Penis!) - (Sleepaway Camp)

04.) I Think I'm Pregnant. I'm A Man. - (Alien)

03.) If You See A Clown In The Sewer, DO NOT Take His Balloon! Trust Me. - (IT)

02.) Did Anyone Else Have A "Good Guy" Doll As A Kid? I Did, But I Think It Was Defective. - (Child's Play)

01.) I Threw A Special Needs Kid In A Lake, And Now I Wish I Hadn't. - (Friday the 13th)

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