Item Number: CRP-0600

Danger Level: Helio

Restraining Directives: CRP-0600 is to be patrolled by Blue Flamingo operatives during daylight hours. All operatives are to be disguised as incredibly obnoxious middle-aged tourists. Any unapproved visitors to CRP-0600, or a surrounding radius of five miles, are to be directed away from the area immediately. If said visitors lose or do not possess shadows, a class five blow to the head is to be administered.

Description: CRP-0600 is Mt. ██████, also colloquially known as "Shadowcide Mountain" among the closely surrounding populace. Located in [REDACTED], USA, CRP-0600 has been observed to exhibit anomalous properties regarding shadows cast by living beings in its proximity. This effect is not restricted to human subjects, though animal subjects are only theorized to experience identical psychological results. Perhaps surprisingly, CRP-0600 appears to contain no anomalous caves, ores, or burial grounds.

Any living being that comes within a radius of 5 miles of CRP-0600 loses connection to its shadow. Said shadow will then proceed to "walk" toward CRP-0600, seemingly of its own volition. Upon reaching the foot of the mountain, shadows begin "climbing". Rock climbing skills exhibited by shadows appear to mimic those of the being that cast them. Expert climbers have shadows who display climbing expertise. Inexperienced climbers have shadows that appear clumsier. Inexperienced shadows may "fall" repeatedly, but show no signs of injury.

When a shadow reaches the peak of CRP-0600, it will immediately "jump". In stark contrast to the ascent, shadows that jump off of the peak appear as if they have been cast by a subject who has leapt high and far, causing the shadow to "glide" down the rocky surface in a quick and graceful manner with arms outstretched. Shadows that fall to the bottom of CRP-0600 lie motionless and will pile up if enough subjects wander too close. "Deceased" shadows disappear at sundown and do not return the following morning.

Subjects who experience this phenomena do not cast shadows for a period of 24 hours, after which their shadow gradually begins to fade back into existence. These subjects also report that they no longer dream of anything but falling.

Update: Shadows cannot be dissuaded from approaching the mountain. This information was not included at the time of writing because it seemed to go without saying that shadows are immaterial.

Further Information:

The following is a brief list of dreams reported by subjects found to have encountered CRP-0600, after suffering detachment from their shadows. More thorough information is pending review.

• "My airplane had just broken apart in mid-air. I just remember looking down at the sea and falling forever."
• "It was the first day of school, but the school was on its side and I was falling down the hallways endlessly."
• "I was on top of the Eiffel Tower and some asshole said something in French and pushed me."
• "I was just kind of falling in darkness. It was more boring than scary."
• "My father was telling me that he was always proud of me but didn't know how to say it. We were falling the entire time."

Item Number: CRP-0002

Danger Level: Zero Purple

Restraining Directives: CRP-0002 is to be kept in a 8' x 8' aquatic tank. Water must be kept calm, and is to be gently skimmed for debris when necessary. A simple mesh lid is to be affixed to the top of the tank when not being cleaned.

Description: CRP-0002 is a vaguely humanoid-shaped conglomeration of what appears to be various types of standard toilet tissue. Entity appears to prefer an under-water habitat, in which it floats on what could be referred to as its "stomach". Observed behavior is similar to that of a manatee. CRP-0002 floats motionlessly with an orifice visually and mechanically similar to a "mouth" hanging open. When CRP-0002 encounters soft, decayed and/or digested matter, it draws said matter into its orifice using two tendril-like "arms" consisting of loosely braided paper.

CRP-0002 was discovered in ███████, ████████, where it was found clogging a sewer drain. City workers reported the discovery by posting a video recording CRP-0002 to the internet. All copies of this video are presumed to be located and deleted via take-down request and/or hard drive destruction. The institute would suggest these workers be reprimanded, but their current line of employment is considered punishment enough.

If left unfed for a period of seven days or more, CRP-0002 will slowly and ineffectually attempt to escape its tank. CRP-0002 itself does not appear to expel waste, but will occasionally "belch" foul-scented bubble rings. Whether these rings in any way denote an attempt at communication is currently under investigation.

Further Information: All CRP staff are instructed against referring to CRP-0002 as "Number Two". While it may be fitting short-hand, procedures must be adhered to nonetheless.

Item Number: CRP- 45,083,927, Civil Control Virus.

Danger Level: Omega Green.

Directives: Resistence appears to be futile at this current time. For persons who appeared to be immune or have yet to be infected, it is advised to keep a low profile and maintain an appearance of maintaining the status quo.

Description: The Civil Control Virus is a biological weapon developed by Alphabet Research Laboratories. The virus was created as a means for law enforcement to disperse crowds of violent protestors through peaceful means. Due to a containment breach at the Alphabet Research Laboratories, the virus was unintentionally released into the general population on 9 February, 2010.

Further Information: The Civil Control Virus was intended to run its course through a human host between 24 and 48 hours. However, due to the instability of the virus when released, it is unknown how long this virus is able to survive in a human host.

The virus attacks the pre-frontal cortex of an individual's brain causing unusual functioning or connectivity. Due to the function of the virus, an individual's suggestability is increased.

The first known victim, [redacted], is know to have been influenced by post-modern ideology. It is currently believed to be the leading cause of contradictory beliefs and loss of humour among university institutions.

Item Number: CRP-1234

Danger Level: Ebony Hexagon

Restraining Directives: CRP-1234 requires separate containment procedures for each specific instance. CRP-1234-1 is to be contained in a standard live animal cage. CRP-1234-2 is to be held in a standard bucket with snap-on lid. CRP-1234-3 is to be disassembled and contained in two hundred and six individual steel storage boxes. CRP-1234-4 is to be contained within a plastic trash bag which has been securely tied at the opening.

Description: CRP-1234 is a 37 year old human being legally known as Carl Joseph Parsons. CRP-1234 was discovered in the sub-basement of ██████ Hospital on ██/██/97 after several complaints of a "haunting" from hospital staff. CRP strike team Purple Paramecium was dispatched to the location and secured CRP-1234 after a brief confrontation. Seventeen members of Purple Paramecium were killed, mostly by friendly fire.

CRP-1234 appears to have undergone a currently inexplicable metamorphosis and has divided into four separate entities. These anomalous beings seem to operate as fully separate individuals and do not appear to share a collective consciousness.

CRP-1234-1 is a shapeless conglomeration of human flesh, muscle tissue, and organs. It moves by shifting its weight and rolling along surfaces. CRP-1234-1 will ingest any organic materials in its path and excretes large amounts of waste. Subject babbles incoherently when its mouth isn't covered by folds of flesh, and its eyes similarly rotate randomly in an unfocused state.

CRP-1234-2 is a puddle of free-flowing human blood, similar to or matching the amount of blood found in an adult male. CRP-1234-2 appears to be able to move in any direction, including up slopes. CRP-1234-2 flows under doors and through cracks, making it very hard to contain. When CRP-1234-2 comes in contact with a living being, it will enter through available openings, bursting the circulatory system.

CRP-1234-3 is a complete human skeleton. Subject organizes itself into a variety of combinations dependent upon its needs. Configurations of CRP-1234-3 include, but are not limited to "Bone Spider", "Bone Snake", and "Bone Person" standard human skeletal structure. CRP-1234-3 "frees" the bones from any creature with an endoskeleton that it comes into contact with, living or dead. These bones are then added to CRP-1234-3's current structure, but are discarded when it reconfigures itself.

CRP-1234-4 is a gaseous cloud that may or may not represent a human soul. Subject is barely visible to the human eye and moves weightlessly through the air. While CRP-1234-4 does not appear negatively affect others, researchers describe feelings of cold and sadness when in its presence.

It is currently not known if CRP-1234 can be reassembled into a normal man. Researchers are instructed not to attempt this until the institute has attained sufficient data from the separate entities.

Item Number: CRP-0020

Danger Level: Delta Plaid

Restraining Directives: CRP-0020-1 and CRP-0020-2 may be stored together in a standard CRP storage crate. However, these two objects should not be combined in any fashion unless for the purpose of approved testing. CRP-0020-1 may be used as a normal hat rack if one should be required by CRP personnel, and CRP-0020-2 may be worn as a normal hat if needed. However, these objects may not leave CRP property and must be returned to proper storage after each use.

Description: CRP-0020 consists of a classic, standing wooden hat rack with silver hooks, as well as a feathered homburg-style hat with a pheasant feather in the hat band. This rack has been classified as CRP-0020-1, and the hat is regarded as CRP-0020-2. These objects have no known anomalous properties when separate. When CRP-0020-2 is hung on any of CRP-0020-1's hooks, their anomalous properties may be observed.

Human subjects who come in contact with the combined items will see them as a whole person. This person, known as CRP-0020-3, will appear to be their "best friend". The name of CRP-0020-3 changes depending on the person viewing CRP-0020. When questioned later, subjects claim not to have any such friend by this name.

During testing, subjects viewing CRP-0020 will act as if they are in a deep conversation with CRP-0020. The topic will always center on a common interest, such as a specific sports team or a hobby such as scrap-booking. At a random point in this conversation, an argument breaks out between the subject and CRP-0020, at which point the subject will shove and CRP-0020 and knock it over. If CRP-0020-2 remains on the hook, the subject will apologize and help CRP-0020-1 back onto its feet. If CRP-0020-2 is separated from CRP-0020-1 in the scuffle, the subject will believe they have committed murder and will attempt to flee the area in a manic state. This may include risk of grievous injury to the subject and/or those between them and freedom.

CRP-0020-1 shows no anomalous properties when combined with other hats.

CRP-0020-2 shows no anomalous properties when placed on other hat racks.

Further Information: The following is a log of a discussion between Dr. P.D. Melmoud and CRP-0020-3.

DR. MELMOUD: Holy shit! Gerry?! Oh my God, what's it been? Ten years? Fifteen?

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: [turning to Dr. M.K. Banquet's viewing lens] Dr. B, look! This is Gerry, my best friend!

DR. BANQUET: [via intercom] I thought I was your best friend.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Oh, yeah, still working on my model ships. I'm about half-way through a baque.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Three masts, actually.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Not to be a dick, old buddy, but it has three.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Are you kidding? You're not serious.

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: What?!

CRP-0020-3: [is a hat rack with hat]

DR. MELMOUD: Take that back! You take it back, or so help me!

[after a brief moment, Dr. P.D. Melmoud rushes CRP-0020-3 and tackles it to the floor]

DR. MELMOUD: AAA! BETRAYER!!

[Dr. P.D. Melmoud stands, visibly noting that CRP-0020-1 and CRP-0020-2 are still together, though they are now lying horizontal]

DR. MELMOUD: I... wow. I'm sorry, Gerry. I don't know what came over me. It's just that... well, model ships are my one release from all the pressures of the Institute, and... I don't know. Just don't make fun of it anymore, alright? Again, I'm really sorry.

[Dr. P.D. Melmoud places CRP-0020 upright]

Dr. P.D. Melmoud seemed confused following testing, and explained that he's never known anyone named Gerry. When questioned about the conversation, he claimed to have been looking at CRP-0020 calmly while waiting for something anomalous to happen, until it suddenly fell over.

Item Number: CRP-0901

Danger Level: Cornucopia

Restraining Directives: CRP-0901 is to be patrolled by CRP Institute Agents disguised as park rangers, park attendants, park gift shop cashiers, park maintenance, park staff. Outsiders are allowed to hike and camp within the park, but must be given a Class A blow to the head if they witness or interact with any abnormal wildlife.

Description: CRP-0901 is ██████████ state park, located in [REDACTED]. Park is mostly non-anomalous, but is home to various subspecies of brown, black, an grizzly bear. These bears are found only within ██████████ state park, and exhibit anthropomorphic behaviors usually exclusive to human beings. Bears of each group must be kept away from each other when possible, as in-fighting is likely to occur. These attacks only subside when one group is dead, or all animals involved have been heavily sedated and separated from each other. (Note: Instances of CRP-0901-5 will not engage in these altercations, and do not even appear to fight back.) Bears exhibiting different behaviors from other groups are to be labelled as instances of CRP-0901-#. There are currently four five known subgroups.

Further Information:  The following subgroups have been observed by CRP personnel.

CRP-0901-1 - Butt Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-1 show an unnatural interest in their own anuses and fecal matter. These instances will attempt to procure toilet paper from park restrooms, and will use said bathroom tissue to sanitize their backsides. If nothing else is available, they will attempt to use paper, plastic, and/or fabric.

CRP-0901-2 - Menswear Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-2 appear to enjoy wearing articles of clothing. These instances appear to wear a maximum of two pieces of clothing at a time, and have been observed removing one item in order to wear another, regardless of where it is worn on the body.

CRP-0901-3 - Daddy Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-3 have been observed taking in lost or unattended children and attempting to teach them the ways of the forest. These bears must be tranquilized immediately if they are observed with an "adopted" child, as these children will revert to a feral state in a greatly accelerated manner.

CRP-0901-4 - Verbal Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-4 speak English phrases in nearly perfect human voices. There appears to be no actual conversational meaning behind these utterances. These bears behave like parrots who have been trained to speak, though they have not been observed taking actual cues from human beings. Instances of CRP-0901-4 speak with a thick Brooklyn accent.

CRP-0901-5 - Huggy Bears
Instances of CRP-0901-5 attempt to hug any human beings they observe. Additionally, instances appear to display a distaste for violence and intimidating behavior. They will attempt to group hug humans that may appear to be experiencing extreme negative emotions. If instances of CRP-0901-5 are not dispersed, this act can be fatal.

Item Number: CRP-1130, Bryce, Ewen.

Danger Level: Unknown at this time.

Restraining Directives: Use of force unauthorized at this time due to the instability of CRP-1130's dimensional displacement.  Current directives to monitor social media activities only. It is inadvisable at this time to initiate contact in any form, physical, electronic or otherwise.

Description: The last know photograph of CRP-1130 is at 15 years of age from [REDACTED]  Senior Secondary.  Recent reports of CRP-1130 have indicated that CRP-1130 is Caucasian. Approximately 5'11" to 6'. Hazel eyes. Sandy blonde / red hair. Slight Irish accent.

Further Information: CRP-1130 is currently deceased in the current continuity.  Cause of death is recorded as Hodgkin Lymphoma at age 15. Addendums will be added as required.

Item Number: CRP-8309, Giant Flightless Bird

Danger Level: Troublesome

Restraining Directives: CRP-8309 is to be contained in an enclosure no different than that of any regular zoo. It is preferred that the enclosure is rich with vegetation and is monitored by staff who are well-trained and patient enough to handle the demands of the creature.

Description: CRP-8309 is a large flightless bird heavily reminiscent to the Oviraptor, an extinct dinosaur from the late Cretaceous era. Adult males of this species can stand up to 7 feet in height and weigh 250 lbs while females are a mere foot shorter and weigh significantly less at 230 lbs. Males are distinguishable from females as they possess bright-blue Mohawks which are typically unveiled to impress females though have also been used to ward off other males as well as intruders; females lack this feature. Due to being flightless, CRP-8309 lack conventional feathers and instead have a quilt similar to that of a Cassowary, albeit with a grey tone and much smoother texture.

CRP-8309 are omnivorous and often prefer consuming fruits though they have been known to consume the eggs of other animals and, in some instances, have been seen torturing newborn animals before picking them up and swallowing them. They don't attack animals and violent encounters with humans are rare though can occur if provoked or during mating season.

CRP-8309 live within steep jungles and rain-forests though are surprisingly quick to adapt to any sort of forest environment as long as they have access to fruit in plentiful amounts. However, due to their massive appetites, they have gained a bad reputation for sweeping crops clean and then migrating to another location to do it again.

CRP-8309 are also notorious for their verbal belligerence as they often tend talk back to humans in much the same way they would to other males and sometimes females. Due to their intelligence, they are very quick to pick up on human behavior even to the point of mimicking it. Should one encounter CRP-8309, it is best to avoid their
hostile ways as engaging in combat will prove to be a fatal decision.

Further Information: CRP-8309 have often been found in colonies in the remote parts of Vietnam and Laos, similar in structure to ancient human tribes. This is likely due to these creatures mimicking the ways of still-existing tribes and using these skills to infiltrate and overwhelm them. Any sightings of CRP-8309 are to be taken seriously as these creatures have been confirmed to vandalize properties, commit robberies and even in one extreme instance, take victims hostage due to their powerful learning capabilities. Ignoring their challenges is often advised to civilians as they are not known to persist unless if fought prior.

In any city, in any state, in any country, anywhere in the world, walk into any abandoned Blockbuster Video or Toys 'R Us store. Once inside, look for a homeless drifter who appears to have taken residence in the dilapidated building. You may have to search behind empty shelves, or even in the break room.

Approach the drifter and, in a shrill, nasally scream, ask, "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!"

The drifter's eyes will widen, his lips will smack, and his nostrils will dilate. If you have come at the correct point in time, a small insect will drop from his facial hair. The facial hair can be a full beard, a mustache, a goatee, or even muttonchops.

The drifter will lead you to the stock room, and he will unlock the doors by humming the Punky Brewster theme music.

Once you are beyond the stock room doors, run full-tilt, as fast as you can, and do not look back. This room does not expand into a long hallway or anything like that, so you will run straight into a cement wall rather quickly. Don't rub your head and don't exclaim "Ouchie-ma-ma!" no matter how much you may need to. Stay completely silent until you hear the sound of synth music gradually rising around you.

Open your eyes (fuck I should've told you to close your eyes earlier) and you will see the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics standing before you. He will be wearing a Members Only jacket, stone washed blue jeans, and a pair of Air Jordans. His t-shirt will bear the phrase "FRANKIE SAY RELAX", but you must not read it or dire consequences will befall you at some point in your future.

You must now offer him a can of Tab and say "Raphiel is cool, but rude." Upon hearing this phrase, the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics will remove his Aviator sunglasses, pull aside the headphones of his walkman, and look directly into your idiot face.

If he says "Bogus", you must immediately turn and run out of the room without ever looking over your shoulder again for the rest of your days. If you ever, at any point, accidentally look over your shoulder, you will instantly shit your pants and Stacy will point and laugh at you.

If he says "Radical"  and plays a tasty riff on a sick keytar, you will have succeeded in your quest. Everything around you will turn to static, with the vertical hold waaayyy out of whack. You will blink twice, then find yourself in an open neon green field. The sky will be purple, and the sun will have horizontal lines through it.

At your feet, you will find a Rubik's Cube that cannot be solved. Don't even try. I'm not saying that because something bad will happen if you try, I'm just trying to save you the time.

This Rubik's Cube is item 1980 of 8000.

My basement stairs lead into a dark, damp room below ground.

My neighbor waters her plants... in HUMAN BLOOD! (and she's using the GARDEN HOSE!)

Every cat in town is following me. I think they know I am the Tuna Ghost

I saw a lost Spongebob episode. Plankton said "Shrimpstein didn't grill himself"...

I Think My Girlfriend Is Cheating On Me With My Split Personality!!

 

I investigated the Ghost Pirate legend. Now I have 9 bootleg Patrick Swayze DVDs.

Title: "The Burningham Slasher" (2017)

Rating: R

Genre: Documentary

Studio: Burningham Studios

Rating: 90%

Description: This film takes a deep look into what made Allen Strakowski aka "The Burningham Slasher" One of the most depraved killers in U.S. history.

Title: "Mad" (1990)

Rating: R

Genre: Horror

Studio: Brickmaker Studios

Rating: 61%

Description: After Matt (Nate Patterson) suffers a horrible car accident he starts to hear voices telling him to do things. At first they suggest that he do stupid or petty things, but as the movie progresses the voices demand that he do terrible things to strangers and to his friends and family; He is driven "Mad" as the title suggests.

Title:Justin the Assassin (2019)
Rating: Unrated
Genre: Horror/Slasher
Studio: Icon Productions

Rating: 🍄 38% (Moldy)

Description: A high school student who just moved into town gets picked on by the popular kids. But when one of the bullies goes too far, he gets more than he bargained for.

Title: Bioknuckles (1979)
Rating: R
Genre: Thriller
Studio: The Missile Launcher Group, Inc.

Rating: 🍄 33% (Moldy)

Description: They're Pulsing! They're Twitchy! They're Coming for Your FACE!

Robert Organian was a security guard on the Museum of Archeological History, he had a happy life and a happy wife... until the day the Sacrificial Bowl of Oxcamalocalcos arrived to his workplace and called for him to dip his hands on it during the night shift. Now his knuckles have become sentient and morphed into hungry tiny beasts that only want one thing... FLESH! Will Robert be able to control the pull of the creatures or will his fists keep claiming victims agaisnt his will?

Title: Depravers (1987)
Rating: R
Genre: Horror
Studio: Signal Motion Pictures & Television

Rating: 🍄 51% (Magic)

Description: Dr. Blatter, a disgraced small-town physician (played by Peter Sturgeon), has a plan for revenge. After kidnapping a random assortment of local citizens, the good doctor straps them into black hoods laced with a special chemical concoction. One that turns them into the ultra-violent, morally abhorrent "Depravers"!