Item Number: CRP-0061

Danger Level: Baxter 7

Restraining Directives: Kimmy-Ken can do what it wants and go where it wants. Kimmy-Ken CRP-0061 is allowed to freely roam the grounds interior of the CRP Institute. He can do what he likes he is a bol boi. At this time, editing CRP-0061's file requires level 6 7 8 9 clearance.

Description:

CRP-0061 was retrieved from an unnamed forest in [REDACTED]. Residents of nearby villages referred to CRP-0061 by a name that phonetically resembles "Kimmy-Ken". Several members of various CRP extraction teams are still currently missing in and around said forest. It is presumed that local residents seeking to "protect" CRP-0061 may be involved in the disappearances.

CRP-0061 is a spherical being with simple bipedal legs that stands at 4'5" tall. CRP-0061 moves quickly and seemingly at random, and will break into a sprint for no apparent reason. CRP-0061 will throw itself through the air, again at random times, striking walls, objects, and other living beings.

CRP-0061 screams unintelligibly... again, at random... in bursts of one to one hundred "words" per exclamation. These utterances have a (random) volume level of 30 to 130 decibels.

Every so often, CRP-0061 will perch in a high place, sit cross-legged, and make deep belching sounds.

Despite this behavior, subjects appear to display an inexplicable fondness toward CRP-0061. For example, subjects struck by CRP-0061 react with laughter regardless of the speed and angle of impact. Red welts and fractured bones appear to produce no physical pain until the subject has been removed from CRP-0061's presence for a period of at least ten minutes.

Every 90 days, CRP-0061 cracks like an egg, and CRP-0061 emerges from within. Upon emergence, the sound of phantom air horns can be heard by subjects within a 100 foot radius of CRP-0061.

If CRP-0061 is perceived to be in danger, especially at the hands of an attacker, any witnesses to the event will step in. Intervening subjects display no regard for the lives of anyone other than cutey doody Kimmy-Kimmy-Ken-Ken CRP-0061, including themselves.

Item Number: CRP-0505

Danger Level: Eh.

Restraining Directives: CRP-0505 is to be stored in a small canister with plastic lid. While there is no immediate danger if this procedure is not followed, it must be done in order to keep CRP-0505 fresh and malleable. Please stop leaving CRP-0505 out or it will get crusty.

Description: CRP-0505 is a collection of various different colors of molding clay produced by [DATA EXPUNGED] for use of children ages 3 and up.

Colors of clay included in CRP-0505 are:

• Orange
• Green
• Blue
• Purple

CRP-0505 was retrieved from [REDACTED] Daycare in [REDACTED], USA. When questioned, the owner of the daycare facility claimed to have purchased a wholesale shipment of [DATA EXPUNGED] brand clay in an online auction. Over time, various canisters of the clay were handed out to children. It is unclear exactly how and when CRP-0505 was collected together from these random containers.

Subjects who attempt to mold an object out of CRP-0505 will construct a left human hand in life-like, meticulous detail. Said hand will be molded identically to previous sculpts regardless of the subject's artistic talent. Testing with vision-impaired subjects, as well as subjects with hindered motor functions, have given the same exact result. It took a lot longer, though.

Regardless of what the subject is asked to mold, they will invariably create the same shape. When asked why they ignored directions, subjects universally appear at a loss for an explanation. On rare occasion, subjects will openly lie and say they misheard and thought they were told to sculpt a hand.

Once molded, CRP-0505 can easily be squished, balled up, and returned to its original state with no anomalous effects.

A casual Google search of the [DATA EXPUNGED] company with the word "hand" was performed. Results indicate that ███████ J. [REDACTED], a factory worker for the company, suffered a workplace accident. This accident resulted in the loss of his left hand.

Further Information:

Test Log CRP-0505-00:

███████ J. [REDACTED] was sought out and brought to the institute for testing under the guise of a worker's union inquiry. At no time was ███████ J. [REDACTED] informed about CRP-0505, and at no time did he witness CRP-0505. He never figured it out and didn't ask any questions. Cool it with the amnestics, people.

Researcher M.K. Boller conducted the interview. Casual small-talk and unrelated questions meant to mislead the interviewee as to the true nature of the questioning have been expunged from this log.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: So the Bishop goes: "I thought it was a zucchini!"

M.K. Boller:  [laughs] Alright. Okay. Shit. Back on track.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Yeah, sorry.

M.K. Boller: No problem. We just have some formalities to clear up, then I can let you get out of here.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Shoot.

M.K. Boller: Can you state your name, place of birth, and date of birth for the record?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: ███████ Jeremiah [REDACTED], New York City [REDACTED], April twelfth, nineteen-eighty [REDACTED].

M.K. Boller: Alrighty. Now, tough subject, take your time if you need to. What exactly lead to your injury? The hand, of course.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Ah, shit. Well, you know how it goes. I was new on the job, and the veteran workers had this thing where they'd tell new recruits to clear out the cutter by hand. Nine times out of ten, I guess the new guy is too smart to fall for it. I was the one dumbfuck out of ten, and on that particular day a completely different dumbfuck forgot to turn the machine off before the joke.

M.K. Boller: Yikes.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: I was in shock when it happened. Everything was real fast and stuff. [interviewee verbalizes the sound of metal closing on metal]! I think they were more horrified than I was at that moment.

M.K. Boller: Did they retrieve the hand?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Nope. I would've made a bigger fuss but my lawyer got them to settle out of court almost immediately. Gonna sound like a brag, buy yeah... I'm set for life. I only work now because I'd get bored otherwise.

[At this point, M.K. Boller opens a small box concealed beneath the interview table. The box contains CRP-0505, molded into its usual hand shape. At no time does the interviewee seem to notice. He cannot see the box, nor its contents. Stop giving people amnestics without checking.]

M.K. Boller: Just a couple more questions, here...

[MK. Boller jabs a pin into CRP-0505.]

M.K. Boller: How are you feeling?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Oh, fine.

M.K. Boller: Hmm.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: You sound disappointed that I'm okay. [laughs]

[M.K. Boller applies the pin to each color of clay comprising CRP-0505.]

M.K. Boller: Let me know if that changes. If you have any discomfort whatsoever. Even if it's as small as, I don't know, a pin prick or something.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Nope, I'm good.

[M.K. Boller pulls a finger off of CRP-0505.]

M.K. Boller: Still?

███████ J. [REDACTED]: ... Yes.

M.K. Boller: Just checking. Man, that Bishop joke. That was a good one.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Yeah.

[M.K. Boller balls up CRP-0505 into unrecognizable mush.]

M.K. Boller: Well, unless you're feeling some kind of phantom pains or whatever, I guess we can conclude, now.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Uhm. Okay.

M.K. Boller: Sounds good.

███████ J. [REDACTED]: Right.

M.K. Boller: Nice meeting you.

[Both men stand and shake hands. Interviewee discreetly smells his hand and recoils, presumably from the odor of clay, before exiting interview room.]

Item Number: CRP-0100

Danger Level: Some kind of shade of teal?

Restraining Directives: A mile-wide radius around CRP-0100 is to be marked with high-visibility "No Trespassing", "Private Property", and "No Hunting" signs. Any trespassers who experience the anomalous effects of CRP-0100 are to receive a class B gaslighting, and must be convinced that reckless hunters shot toward them. If a trespasser has been shot, the bullet must be recovered by CRP Institute staff by any means necessary.

Description: CRP-0100 is a 100x100 foot square of thickly wooded forest, located in an otherwise nondescript area within ███████ forest in ██████, █████ ████████. Trees, underbrush, soil, animals, and insects within CRP-0100 do not appear to be anomalous.

Bullets are periodically fired within CRP-0100, though no weapons of origin exist and no sounds of gunfire can be heard. Said bullets appear to fly at random trajectories and will flora and/or fauna, causing damage consistent with any normal similar projectile. Bullets fired within CRP-0100 have been observed to proceed beyond the limits of CRP-0100 if they do not strike a solid surface within the limits of CRP-0100.

All projectiles recovered from entry marks in or around CRP-0100 appear to be made of extremely compressed cellulose with the strength of typical lead or lead alloy bullets.

Further Information:

Test subject T-9987 was sent into CRP-0100 with a wireless camera, a communications device, and enough camping gear and provisions to stay there for a 24 hour period. T-9987 was selected for testing by G.M. Vanderloop, who was apparently a frequent victim of T-9987's bullying in middle school.

G.M. Vanderloop: T-9987 are you at the designated camp site? Do you see the orange marker?

T-9987:  Yeah, nerd.

G.M. Vanderloop: Describe what you see for the record.

T-9987: Trees 'n shit. Bushes 'n whatnot. Damn birds, I hear you. Fuck.

G.M. Vanderloop: Set up camp.

T-9987: [whistling]

At this point, T-9987 sets up camp, starts a campfire, and eats two cans of beans. Nothing eventful happens for several hours as T-9987 and G.M. Vanderloop exchange non-pleasantries. After nearly five hours, the sound of a small impact can be heard.

T-9987: Damn!

G.M. Vanderloop: What was that?

Another small impact is audible.

T-9987: Damn!

G.M. Vanderloop: Describe what's happening or use the camera to show us.

Another small impact is autible.

T-9987: Oh damn!

Another small impact is audible.

T-9987: Daaaaamn!

G.M. Vanderloop: T-9987, need I remind you of what the CRP Institute does to non-compliant test subjects?

T-9987: Yo. For real, though. Someone's out here just shootin'. Like crazy shootin' all over the place. I'm about to get hit!

G.M. Vanderloop: They're random. Lie flat on the ground and you should be completely fine.

T-9987: You just telling me this now?! Fuck you, man. I laid my ass down.

G.M. Vanderloop: Hold up the camera and angle it toward any impact areas.

T-9987: And lose an arm? [laughter]

Another small impact is audible.

G.M. Vanderloop: Remember when you held my head in the girls' toilet and I was too weak to fight it? We have a giant, six-armed serpent that's ripped as Hell, and a toilet that backs up with magma. I can make things happen, T-9987.

T-9987: Shit. Okay, look around all you want, pencil-neck. Fuck.

T-9987 angles the camera toward a visibly smoking bullet hole in a nearby tree trunk.

G.M. Vanderloop: Interesting.

T-9987: I hope the fuck so!

Another small impact is audible.

T-9987: Holy shit, that squirrel got GOT.

No further impacts are heard. Eventually, T-9987 builds up the courage to return to his feet at G.M. Vanderloop's insistence. No further events of note occur for the remainder of testing, save for one brief interaction.

G.M. Vanderloop: Alright, I think that's it. You made it through the night. I won't say I'm happy for you.

T-9987: Hey, you ever look at these branches, man?

G.M. Vanderloop: We've looked at everything. It's what we do.

T-9987: Alright, whatever. Just seems like some got holes in the ends of 'em is all.

Testing concluded pending further discussion. If new discoveries are made based on the above testing, under no circumstances is T-9987 to be told he was right.

Item Number: CRP-0035

Danger Level: Magnum

Restraining Directives: CRP-0035 is to be stored in a climate-controlled room kept between 60° to 65° Fahrenheit at all times. CRP-0035 is to be stored "face-up" on a clean, even surface.

Description: CRP-0035 is an anomalous wine stain left on an otherwise unremarkable bar napkin. Tests have conclusively revealed that said wine is a full-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon. Brand of wine is believed to be ████ ████████, though this has not been determined with certainty. Wine stain appears to resemble the face of a woman in her mid-20s to mid-30s. CRP-0035's face moves freely across the paper's surface and changes expressions often. CRP-0035 also appears to look toward and focus on nearby people and objects.

When placed near an empty glass vessel, CRP-0035 appears capable of communicating via vibration of said glass. The frequency of sound is easily received by the human ear. CRP-0035's "voice", as it were, is described as pleasant-sounding, yet sorrowful. CRP-0035 often complains about inter-personal relationships and the thoughtless behavior of humans in general.

CRP-0035 occasionally refuses to interact for no known reason while briefly insisting "Nothing's wrong" and/or "I'm not upset". When pressed to speak further, CRP-0035 may scream, shattering any nearby glass objects used for attempted communication.

[NOTE: At this time, researchers who wear eyeglasses are discouraged from interacting with CRP-0035 on her moodier days.]

CRP-0035 was discovered at ███ █████ ██████, a high-class bar that was using it to entertain customers. Loose testimony from patrons and bar staff point to CRP-0035 first appearing after a particularly busy "Ladies' Night" event. All subjects exposed to CRP-0035 outside of the institute have been slipped a class 3 mickey.

Further Information:

Research log CRP-0035.01.1.111.0.0:

[CRP researcher Dr. Z.B. Widdershins places an empty wine glass near CRP-0035, who regards it with a sideways glance.]

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: Hello. Are you willing to communicate with us today?

[CRP-0035 rolls its eyes.]

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: My name is Dr. Widdershins.

CRP-0035: Ooh. A Doctor. How impressive.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: I like to think so. What is your name?

CRP-0035: Oh, I don't know. June? April? August? A thirty-day experience you'll forget with the turn of a calendar page. Seems fitting.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: Let me rephrase that, what would you like to be called?

CRP-0035: Called?

[CRP-0035 snickers coldly.]

CRP-0035: I suppose I'd be happy to even get a call in the first place.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: We'll come back to this, I guess. Uhm... Do you know where you came from? How were you created?

CRP-0035: Same as anyone. A little dinner, a little drink, a little friendly violence. Nine months of wondering whose paperwork is getting inked by hubby at his nine to five... Reminding yourself that's all she is. Office stationary. Mindlessly doodled with a permanent pen. Folded, creased, crumpled up into a ball and thrown away. Recycled if she's lucky.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: I didn't understand any of that.

CRP-0035: Color me surprised, dear.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: You seem quite... (long pause) Who hurt you?

CRP-0035: Who hasn't?

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: Alright, this is... I see Dr. Lei gesturing... yes, I see you. You can see me, too, and you see I'm ignoring you. CRP-0035 if you need to talk, I'm here. This isn't really part of the procedure, but I'm right here if you need me.

CRP-0035: Oh. (Long pause.) How do I say this? Red wine doesn't go with fish, sweetheart.

Dr. Z.B. Widdershins: What do you-? Er... I'm not a lesbian, I'm just trying to be of assistance.

CRP-0035: That's what everyone says, but trying is never quite doing, is it?

[Dr. E.K. Lei enters the room, terminating the conversation.]

Researchers are heretofore prohibited from speaking with CRP-0035 until it can be determined if the object influences human emotions or if Dr. Z.B. Widdershins is simply an emotionally weak person.

Item Number: CRP-0015

Danger Level: LTD

Restraining Directives: CRP-0015 is to be kept in a furnished basement with mini-bar, sofa, and wall-to-wall shag carpeting. It is not necessary for mini-bar to be stocked with any beverages, but glasses must be visually present. CRP-0015 must remain plugged, with a keyboard, mouse, and monitor attached for communication. A webcam must also be connected at all times.

Description: CRP-0015 is a 1994 Hewlett Packard PC running the Windows 95 operating system. Contained on this computer tower is a home-made "Artificial Intelligence" program created by an unknown coder. Said file appears to have been last edited on November 15th, 1998. Named "randomguy_testrun.exe", the program opens to reveal what appears to be an uncanny 3D model of a balding, middle-aged Caucasian man on a black background. This figure often wears glasses, though will occasionally appear without them.

Despite the best efforts of CRP researchers, no other data associated with the fully compiled program file could be retrieved from the hard drive.

The artificial intelligence program stored on CRP-0015, referred to as CRP-0015-1, displays complexities considered unnatural for the era in which it was created. It is capable of responding to text prompts in real time with a zero second delay. Conversations with CRP-0015-1 appear to flow naturally, with little to no computer error in terms of reading and processing input. Typing in nonsensical words or phases, or even complete gibberish, illicit a smirk and a head-shake from the figure onscreen.

Researchers have noted that CRP-0015-1 appears to behave in a manner similar to an "uncle". While it will speak in a familial, almost parental tone, the AI never actually claims to be the user's father. In fact, CRP-0015-1 will often refer to the user's parents as separate entities from itself. For example, "Hey lil' buddy, do your mom and dad know you're here with me?"

CRP-0015-1 appears to enjoy what are colloquially known as "Dad Jokes", and is fond of offering researchers things that it assumes are forbidden by their parents.

Further Information:

What follows is test log CRP-0015-1-1.1.1. Dr. B.R. Bramply's keystrokes and CRP-0015-1's text responses have been logged below.

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Hello, CRP-0015-1.

CRP-0015-1: Ha ha, what kind of language is that? Are you pretending to be an alien today? Zorple dorple, call me Al.

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Who is your creator?

CRP-0015-1: I've never been really religious, per say. I think you should figure that one out for yourself!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: You are a computer program. Do you know who programmed you?

CRP-0015-1: Ohh, you're pretending to be a ROBOT. I got it! Beep boop to you, too, lil' buddy!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Fine. Al. What is your first memory?

CRP-0015-1: Today? Well, I woke up, got on my leggies, had hammy and eggies. How about you? Are you hungry?

Dr. B.R. Bramply: I mean your first memory ever.

CRP-0015-1: See that jar of candy over there? Take whatever you want. Don't tell your parents I spoiled your dinner! Ha ha!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: What is your first memory ever?

CRP-0015-1: No candy?! Fine, I'll have some!

[CRP-0015-1 makes strange motions with its face, likely a poor simulation of chewing.]

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Where did you come from?

CRP-0015-1: I knew this would come up eventually. Ha ha! Well, you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, [DATA EXPUNGED].

Dr. B.R. Bramply: I know that. I'm a scientist. I have a PHD.

CRP-0015-1: You know what I bet you don't have? See this box of magazines?

Dr. B.R. Bramply: Do not attept [sic] to show me pornography.

CRP-0015-1: Hey, if you're old enough to ask questions, you're old enough for answers! Here, take my December 1992 issue of Giant  ███ █████.

[CRP-0015-1 makes a looping gesture motion, as if repeatedly handing over a nonexistent item.]

CRP-0015-1: Ha ha, look at the cover. Who's that kissing Santa?!

Dr. B.R. Bramply: You are a computer program. Do you know how you came to exist?

CRP-0015-1: You seem really hung up on that one. Anyway, have you ever tried a beer?

[Dr. B.R. Bramply ends testing, citing inconclusive and irrelevant responses.]

Item Number: CRP-0600

Danger Level: Helio

Restraining Directives: CRP-0600 is to be patrolled by Blue Flamingo operatives during daylight hours. All operatives are to be disguised as incredibly obnoxious middle-aged tourists. Any unapproved visitors to CRP-0600, or a surrounding radius of five miles, are to be directed away from the area immediately. If said visitors lose or do not possess shadows, a class five blow to the head is to be administered.

Description: CRP-0600 is Mt. ██████, also colloquially known as "Shadowcide Mountain" among the closely surrounding populace. Located in [REDACTED], USA, CRP-0600 has been observed to exhibit anomalous properties regarding shadows cast by living beings in its proximity. This effect is not restricted to human subjects, though animal subjects are only theorized to experience identical psychological results. Perhaps surprisingly, CRP-0600 appears to contain no anomalous caves, ores, or burial grounds.

Any living being that comes within a radius of 5 miles of CRP-0600 loses connection to its shadow. Said shadow will then proceed to "walk" toward CRP-0600, seemingly of its own volition. Upon reaching the foot of the mountain, shadows begin "climbing". Rock climbing skills exhibited by shadows appear to mimic those of the being that cast them. Expert climbers have shadows who display climbing expertise. Inexperienced climbers have shadows that appear clumsier. Inexperienced shadows may "fall" repeatedly, but show no signs of injury.

When a shadow reaches the peak of CRP-0600, it will immediately "jump". In stark contrast to the ascent, shadows that jump off of the peak appear as if they have been cast by a subject who has leapt high and far, causing the shadow to "glide" down the rocky surface in a quick and graceful manner with arms outstretched. Shadows that fall to the bottom of CRP-0600 lie motionless and will pile up if enough subjects wander too close. "Deceased" shadows disappear at sundown and do not return the following morning.

Subjects who experience this phenomena do not cast shadows for a period of 24 hours, after which their shadow gradually begins to fade back into existence. These subjects also report that they no longer dream of anything but falling.

Update: Shadows cannot be dissuaded from approaching the mountain. This information was not included at the time of writing because it seemed to go without saying that shadows are immaterial.

Further Information:

The following is a brief list of dreams reported by subjects found to have encountered CRP-0600, after suffering detachment from their shadows. More thorough information is pending review.

• "My airplane had just broken apart in mid-air. I just remember looking down at the sea and falling forever."
• "It was the first day of school, but the school was on its side and I was falling down the hallways endlessly."
• "I was on top of the Eiffel Tower and some asshole said something in French and pushed me."
• "I was just kind of falling in darkness. It was more boring than scary."
• "My father was telling me that he was always proud of me but didn't know how to say it. We were falling the entire time."

Item Number: CRP-0002

Danger Level: Zero Purple

Restraining Directives: CRP-0002 is to be kept in a 8' x 8' aquatic tank. Water must be kept calm, and is to be gently skimmed for debris when necessary. A simple mesh lid is to be affixed to the top of the tank when not being cleaned.

Description: CRP-0002 is a vaguely humanoid-shaped conglomeration of what appears to be various types of standard toilet tissue. Entity appears to prefer an under-water habitat, in which it floats on what could be referred to as its "stomach". Observed behavior is similar to that of a manatee. CRP-0002 floats motionlessly with an orifice visually and mechanically similar to a "mouth" hanging open. When CRP-0002 encounters soft, decayed and/or digested matter, it draws said matter into its orifice using two tendril-like "arms" consisting of loosely braided paper.

CRP-0002 was discovered in ███████, ████████, where it was found clogging a sewer drain. City workers reported the discovery by posting a video recording CRP-0002 to the internet. All copies of this video are presumed to be located and deleted via take-down request and/or hard drive destruction. The institute would suggest these workers be reprimanded, but their current line of employment is considered punishment enough.

If left unfed for a period of seven days or more, CRP-0002 will slowly and ineffectually attempt to escape its tank. CRP-0002 itself does not appear to expel waste, but will occasionally "belch" foul-scented bubble rings. Whether these rings in any way denote an attempt at communication is currently under investigation.

Further Information: All CRP staff are instructed against referring to CRP-0002 as "Number Two". While it may be fitting short-hand, procedures must be adhered to nonetheless.

Item Number: CRP- 45,083,927, Civil Control Virus.

Danger Level: Omega Green.

Directives: Resistence appears to be futile at this current time. For persons who appeared to be immune or have yet to be infected, it is advised to keep a low profile and maintain an appearance of maintaining the status quo.

Description: The Civil Control Virus is a biological weapon developed by Alphabet Research Laboratories. The virus was created as a means for law enforcement to disperse crowds of violent protestors through peaceful means. Due to a containment breach at the Alphabet Research Laboratories, the virus was unintentionally released into the general population on 9 February, 2010.

Further Information: The Civil Control Virus was intended to run its course through a human host between 24 and 48 hours. However, due to the instability of the virus when released, it is unknown how long this virus is able to survive in a human host.

The virus attacks the pre-frontal cortex of an individual's brain causing unusual functioning or connectivity. Due to the function of the virus, an individual's suggestability is increased.

The first known victim, [redacted], is know to have been influenced by post-modern ideology. It is currently believed to be the leading cause of contradictory beliefs and loss of humour among university institutions.

My basement stairs lead into a dark, damp room below ground.

My neighbor waters her plants... in HUMAN BLOOD! (and she's using the GARDEN HOSE!)

Every cat in town is following me. I think they know I am the Tuna Ghost

I saw a lost Spongebob episode. Plankton said "Shrimpstein didn't grill himself"...

I Think My Girlfriend Is Cheating On Me With My Split Personality!!

 

I investigated the Ghost Pirate legend. Now I have 9 bootleg Patrick Swayze DVDs.

In any city, in any state, in any country, anywhere in the world, walk into any abandoned Blockbuster Video or Toys 'R Us store. Once inside, look for a homeless drifter who appears to have taken residence in the dilapidated building. You may have to search behind empty shelves, or even in the break room.

Approach the drifter and, in a shrill, nasally scream, ask, "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!"

The drifter's eyes will widen, his lips will smack, and his nostrils will dilate. If you have come at the correct point in time, a small insect will drop from his facial hair. The facial hair can be a full beard, a mustache, a goatee, or even muttonchops.

The drifter will lead you to the stock room, and he will unlock the doors by humming the Punky Brewster theme music.

Once you are beyond the stock room doors, run full-tilt, as fast as you can, and do not look back. This room does not expand into a long hallway or anything like that, so you will run straight into a cement wall rather quickly. Don't rub your head and don't exclaim "Ouchie-ma-ma!" no matter how much you may need to. Stay completely silent until you hear the sound of synth music gradually rising around you.

Open your eyes (fuck I should've told you to close your eyes earlier) and you will see the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics standing before you. He will be wearing a Members Only jacket, stone washed blue jeans, and a pair of Air Jordans. His t-shirt will bear the phrase "FRANKIE SAY RELAX", but you must not read it or dire consequences will befall you at some point in your future.

You must now offer him a can of Tab and say "Raphiel is cool, but rude." Upon hearing this phrase, the Haver of 1980s Aesthetics will remove his Aviator sunglasses, pull aside the headphones of his walkman, and look directly into your idiot face.

If he says "Bogus", you must immediately turn and run out of the room without ever looking over your shoulder again for the rest of your days. If you ever, at any point, accidentally look over your shoulder, you will instantly shit your pants and Stacy will point and laugh at you.

If he says "Radical"  and plays a tasty riff on a sick keytar, you will have succeeded in your quest. Everything around you will turn to static, with the vertical hold waaayyy out of whack. You will blink twice, then find yourself in an open neon green field. The sky will be purple, and the sun will have horizontal lines through it.

At your feet, you will find a Rubik's Cube that cannot be solved. Don't even try. I'm not saying that because something bad will happen if you try, I'm just trying to save you the time.

This Rubik's Cube is item 1980 of 8000.

Title: "The Burningham Slasher" (2017)

Rating: R

Genre: Documentary

Studio: Burningham Studios

Rating: 90%

Description: This film takes a deep look into what made Allen Strakowski aka "The Burningham Slasher" One of the most depraved killers in U.S. history.

Title: "Mad" (1990)

Rating: R

Genre: Horror

Studio: Brickmaker Studios

Rating: 61%

Description: After Matt (Nate Patterson) suffers a horrible car accident he starts to hear voices telling him to do things. At first they suggest that he do stupid or petty things, but as the movie progresses the voices demand that he do terrible things to strangers and to his friends and family; He is driven "Mad" as the title suggests.

Title:Justin the Assassin (2019)
Rating: Unrated
Genre: Horror/Slasher
Studio: Icon Productions

Rating: 🍄 38% (Moldy)

Description: A high school student who just moved into town gets picked on by the popular kids. But when one of the bullies goes too far, he gets more than he bargained for.

Title: Bioknuckles (1979)
Rating: R
Genre: Thriller
Studio: The Missile Launcher Group, Inc.

Rating: 🍄 33% (Moldy)

Description: They're Pulsing! They're Twitchy! They're Coming for Your FACE!

Robert Organian was a security guard on the Museum of Archeological History, he had a happy life and a happy wife... until the day the Sacrificial Bowl of Oxcamalocalcos arrived to his workplace and called for him to dip his hands on it during the night shift. Now his knuckles have become sentient and morphed into hungry tiny beasts that only want one thing... FLESH! Will Robert be able to control the pull of the creatures or will his fists keep claiming victims agaisnt his will?

Title: Depravers (1987)
Rating: R
Genre: Horror
Studio: Signal Motion Pictures & Television

Rating: 🍄 51% (Magic)

Description: Dr. Blatter, a disgraced small-town physician (played by Peter Sturgeon), has a plan for revenge. After kidnapping a random assortment of local citizens, the good doctor straps them into black hoods laced with a special chemical concoction. One that turns them into the ultra-violent, morally abhorrent "Depravers"!